Authors

"When it comes to authors,we may hide ourselves from others but within our pages, our true souls emerge." - Nicole Hill
"I want a Vampite of my very own. Until I find him, I'll just keep writing him into existence." -Nicole Hill
" I write like people talk. It may not be perfect but it's damn entertaining." - Nicole Hill

Monday, December 12, 2011

Crazy story of the day from my neighbor. Mrs. Kern Gets arrested! To funny and true! At least the way she tells it, But you know gossip. :)

So. I'm back from my morning gossip. I love my neighbor. She can talk for hours about how things used to be and who did what. Get a couple of glasses of wine in her and she takes off. We always have wine during our Monday meeting of the minds. It makes the thoughts flow nicely. ;) So her brilliant story for the day was how when she was around thirty, she was arrested ( under completely trumped up charges, she did not fail to add.) Now Mrs. Kern as I will call her from now on, even now in her late Seventies is nothing to sneeze at. She is about five foot five inches and maybe a size 3.  She defiantly looks good for her age. So I can only imagine what kind of beauty she was back then. But anyway, back to the story. To start off with, her husband was a bit of a hell raiser back in his hay day and after a night of parting with the buds got into a drunken brawl with one of them. He was angry and called the police and told them that Mrs. Kern and her husband, a wealthy and very respected couple in the community were intact one of the largest Marijuana growers and distributors in the area. Bum Bum Bum.... So later that night or early the next morning depending on how you live your life, Mr and Mrs. Kern wake up to a swat team surrounding their bed and are ordered to get up now! Mrs. Kern advises the police that ( oh yes I kid you not!) She is without proper attire. She is told that they don't care to get up anyway! Mrs. Kern is now very frightened and has no idea what is going to happen. She is handcuffed, still naked by the way. And only after the men leave the room and a woman officer stays behind is she allowed to get dressed. They are hauled off to the station at three in the morning neither even remotely knowing what they are being arrested for. ( or so I am assured by Mrs. Kern.) They are immediately separated. Mrs. Kern is brought to an interrogation room and in walks the chief and the lead deputy ( Both whom she has know most of their lives. Both she had fed on numerous occasions.) She is angered by this. How dare they treat her like a common criminal and not even tell her why she is being arrested. And the indignity of it. Naked in front of half of the police department. In this small town trust me I would die! They sit down and look at her with stern expressions for a moment before the chief says " Well. Mrs. Kern, Is there something you want to tell us?" Now anyone who knows Mrs. Kern will tell you that she may look like a southern Flower but she has the mouth of a sailor. She just leaned back in her chair and looked them in the eye and said " Fuck you both" In the haughtiest voice she could manage while checking out her finger nails all non chilant like. ( At this point I of choking on my wine and my eyes are bulging out of my head.") They knew they were getting nowhere with her and left her in a room with a big window. She saw them bringing her husband down the hallway and he looked at her through the window. The officer did as well and she made an inflammatory hand gesture at him LOL! This however got her thrown in the cells in the back as apposed to a holding cell in the front with her husband. She was pit in a cell with about four other women. She stood with her back to them looking down the hall. She recalls one particular woman kept inching closer and closer to her asking " what are ya in fer" She ignored her. At that moment a very large black woman yelled at the other woman to back off that she wasn't getting none of that.  " What does that mean?" Mrs. Kern asked the very robust black woman that he said reminded her of aunt Jamima. " Why yer pussy. " She answered. Mrs. Kern recalls that she felt as if she would faint. Later her daughter brought her clothes and OMG! she brought her thong under wear! The bag that they gave them to her in was clear plastic and it was immediately snatched out of her hand by the woman who was bothering her earlier. They lady snatched it open and pulled out the thong and started waiving them around. The older black woman came over and they started to fight. The guard came in and took them to lock up which didn't help cause they were put in a cell together! Other inmates were spraying them with shampoo and conditioner while they fought. Mrs. Kern did not sleep that night. They next morning a guard came and told them to go outside. Mrs. Kern said she would stay in. The guard told her to go to one of the lockup cells and she would lock her up. Mrs. Kern looked down at the lock up cells and remembered what she saw happen there last night and decided she would go outside. So she gets out side and a guard approaches her and asks her about her pants. They were so long that she had to roll them up to walk and like a CM of her skin was showing. The guard started dragging her back inside. " What did I do?" Mrs Kern asks her. " You know what you did and you know better than that."  was her response. Mrs. Kern attempted to advise her that no. she did not know any better as she had never before been arrested and was told something like " Shut it you uppity bitch." Can you imagine? " Mrs Kern asks me as I try to hide a smile. She was locked up until the rest of the ladies ( and she uses that term very loosely.) came back. They were all to line up to get a drink. Now she did not know that she was supposed to save her cup from breakfast so when she got to the front of the line it was the same guard who had dragged her inside earlier. " Where is your cup?" The guard demanded " I don't have one." Mrs. Kern told her. " If you don't have a cup, you don't get any. You know the drill." She answered rudely. Mrs Kern was fixing to giver her a piece of her mind when she felt a cup being placed in her hand and she looked up to see that same portley black woman giving her a cup. Mrs Kern held out her cup and the guard poured so rough and quickly that her cup fell and juice sprayed all over the guard. Mrs. Kern had no idea what to do so she bent down and picked it up and held it out for more. The guard looked at her for a moment and then refilled the cup. Mrs. Kern was put in lock up again. At this point I am rolling laughing because Mrs. Kern still sounds so outraged at the injustice of it all. Her a wealthy woman who has done nothing wrong to be subjected to this sort of treatment! How dare they! The next morning Mrs. Kern is taken to a room to see her lawyer before she sees the judge. " He was a scrawny kid barely off his mam's teet and had no business even practicing!" Mrs. Kern advises me! He sits down and starts going through a rigima roll about pleing guilty and getting only a year served. Mrs Kern shoots up in her chair. " What have I done?! I demand right this instant that you tell me what I have done!" She yells at him. He looks at her like she's crazy for a moment. " You mean to tell me that you don't know that you have been charged with possession with intent to sell over forty pounds of marijuana?" He asked in a dry sarcastic tone. " What!" Mrs Kern shouted. I don't know anything about forty pounds of drugs! Are you insane man? Do you know who I am?" She raged on. She advised me this morning that in retrospect she knows that was a bad question to ask. Uh Huh. He answered dryly just as the door opened to escort her to the waiting room to wait her turn. The little asshole would not even listen to her. If only she could talk to her husband, she would know at was going on. She got to the room filled with other inmates waiting their turn and was suddenly so angry that she lashed out and kicked the wall. Well to her detriment there happened to be a shelf on the other side of that wall in none other than ( your not going to believe this!) The judges chambers!!! Mrs. Kern was thrown back into lockup to await her turn to see the judge. When she is brought in she attempts to speak to the judge and he ignores her, continues to shuffle his paper ecs. Mrs. Kern clears her throat and says "Excuse me!" The judge looks at her and says all serious like " No more talking." Mrs. Kern immediately responds by says " Well how am I going to defend myself against these ridiculous accusations if I can't speak?" Her puny little lawyer walks up behind her and speaks in her ear. " Not another word." Mrs. Kern damns her temper every day for this next bit, but say's she simply couldn't help herself. " This is bullshit!" She said to the judge and was hauled immediately back to lockup for contempt of court. I'm pouring another glass of wine shaking my head. A few hours later she was told that she was released and told by her husband that his so called friend that he got into a fight with was so drunk and stupid that night that he actually lead the police to his very own farm in order to frame her husband. The police took his word for it that it was theirs and just that morning was able to find the title to prove that it was in fact the other guy's great Uncle's property. At this point Mrs. Kern is tipsy and laughing hysterically that the idiot got his own self busted. " And that is why you should never deal in them drugs." We never did." (She assures me.)

 Now I know that this should not be funny but the whole time I was hearing it I kept picturing it as a re-run of I Love Lucy!! " Lucy Get Arrested!" LOL!  Or something that would happen to one of those rich southern women in The Help or something. LOL She is awesome!!!