"When it comes to authors,we may hide ourselves from others but within our pages, our true souls emerge." - Nicole Hill
"I want a Vampite of my very own. Until I find him, I'll just keep writing him into existence." -Nicole Hill
" I write like people talk. It may not be perfect but it's damn entertaining." - Nicole Hill

Sunday, March 4, 2012

My take on the psyche inside the marriage of new parents.

So. I have a younger cousin that has been married for over a year. She and her husband have recently had a child and things have started to fall apart. I really try to let people handle their own problems but I never can seem to help it. Now they did all the right things. They dated for over five years before they were married. They waited nearly a year before they had a child. So what went wrong? No thing really. They just don't know it. So I thought about it and here is how I can explain it. Now I am not a doctor but my husband and  I have had two children and have been together for twelve years now. We have been through pretty much everything a couple can go through. I have always been a people watcher. I watch their actions as well as what they say. I would say that I am a fairly good judge of character. This is what I think goes on. A woman gives birth and during the birthing process hormones are released that let us know how to take care of our child. Most call it motherly instinct. Now not like those mothers that kill their kids. Obviously something went wrong there. Hormonal imbalance or something. Like I said. (Not a doctor). Now we get the benefit of this hormone leading us. We are super mom!!! The men on the other hand get a different kind of hormone during the birthing process. They see their child and the woman who helped them to CREATE LIFE!!!!!! and suddenly they are Tarzan, Hear them roar and all they want to do is drag you back to their tree hut and make more LIFE!!!! I call it the ALFA male high. It usually last like six months.(Now not all males get this just as not all females get the motherly instinct) We on the other hand have suddenly started thinking ten years into the future and we need braces, baseball, toys, all that is NEEDED NOW!!!! No more fun. WE are in nesting mode. Most of us are so messed up with the hormones and no sleep that the last thing we are thinking about is sex. This usually last about six months as well. I am not saying that you will suddenly stop thinking that those things are important. Just that there are ways to prepare without stressing the freak out and that yes there is still time for fun. The man on the other hand is still full up with ALFA MALE HIGH!!! The female might start to think he is acting immature. And in ways he is. he is strutting around like the lead cock in a hen house. We get frustrated and have no idea how to control our hormones at this point and usually end up making a few hundred mountain out of ten mole hills. The male has no idea what happened to the person he married. You've heard people joke about oh she woke up a totally different person. Well in this case it is true. The man is confused, filled up with Alfa male high and most of the time they have no idea what this feeling is or how to satisfy it. Now I believe that during the birthing process there is a connection between two people. This feeling he is having is for her and her alone. But he don't know that. She is acting like a lunatic. Everything he says is wrong and he has started to just sit down and watch tv or play video games just so he don't tick her off for no reason. She in turn, accuses him of ignoring her. You know that mouth half open dumbfounded look that men have when we scream at them? The one that we yell at them for and tell them that they are zoning out and not listening. Well They look dumbfounded because they are. We are thinking, You are ignoring me for a video game! or tv or football. whatever. He is thinking. Um.... I was here... Playing my video game, there is no way I did anything wrong. I was here. Mental head scratch. What the hell.....  Yesterday I was a happy newly wed to my high school sweetheart. or whatever and today I am living with a stranger. All he wants to do is bee with you be a good dad and still be able to have a good time. Now what should happen is the two should sit down and discuss what they are feeling. Most of the time you will find that one had no idea what the other was feeling. But this does not always happen and it can go bad from there. The man might start looking for gratification for that feeling else where. He will immediately find that something is missing, something is off. He will then finally realize that that feeling that urge was directed at the mother of his child alone and no one else. But by then its usually to late. Now you can come back from this. Its not the end of the world. It happens in most marriages. Now if you move past it or he sticks it out with ya and does not cheat either way then this is where postpartum depression comes in. Now the nesting hormone is wearing off we are no longer super mom. Driven by hormones alone! The woman is now feeling the burden that has been placed on her. Both physically and mentally. Her body is not what it was. she is feeling inadequate and now needs the exact thing that the man needed six months ago. She needs to feel needed, she needs to feel wanted, sexy, she needs to know that she's still got it. She does not really know that. She does not know what she wants. She just knows that there is an urge humming through her that she cant out her finger out. This is where we women can slip up. We are busy, our husband is busy our life have taken a huge turn. And by your own previous decree you have done nothing fun in six months. You suddenly want to feel wanted. You suddenly get angry and cry at the drop of a hat. You are projecting that on your husband, boyfriend whatever. He has no idea again what he has done. More video games and we know how that went last time. Now the man could counter this by doing something as simple as walking her to the couch, sitting her down and rubbing her feet. All the while telling her how much you appreciate all that she has been doing. That usually all it would take for most of us. And if the woman felt neglected, all shed have to do is walk in front of the video game and take her shirt off. I guarantee he would forget all about the game. Unfortunately neither new parent knows this and here is where women can get confused. Lord forbid an attractive man shows them attention. If she strays,, like the man, she will immediately find that something is off, something is missing. She will then like the man realize that the urge, the need was directed at her husband. But just like with the man, by then its usually to late. Again I think its that hormone released in both people during the birthing process. Again this could have been avoided by talking.  If you feel something, tell your partner. Remember that they are not psychic. No matter how much we wish they were. One thing that most women fail to remember while we bitch about our hormones, our pms is that men have hormones to and they don't go through the same things we do but they have their own troubles. They deal with ours for most of our lives together. Men's are not so active so cut them a little slack. ( but like I said. Not a doctor, so what do I know. This is just crap I've picked up along the way from observing and actually taking in the people around me.)